by Liz
July 2013
Once again I find myself having a flashback. I hold my
breath when I hear this man speak. And I go into a “trance-like state.” It is
very very familiar.
I am seven years of age. It started then. The abuse became much
worse at age ten.
It lasted until I was 43 years old. By the time I started
having sex with my husband, it was so ingrained into my psyche that I believed
it was the way I was born. This, to me,
was normal, or it was my fault.
As soon as a man took on a manipulative sexual tone, posture
or even touched me in a certain way, I “clicked off.” “Clicking off” meant one
of two things.
#1
I would freeze ...totally. There was no ability to think or
act. I became a puppet; every cell in my body, mind and heart turned into a
puppet. The man had total control. My only safety mechanism was in freezing or “clicking
off.” I disappeared. I totally disappeared.
#2
The second behavior, which occurred mostly with my husband,
was turning into a “doll.” I did not totally disappear. I was able to shut down
my mind and go into a place of sensual pleasure. I was his “doll” and my
pleasure came from doing whatever he wanted. This enabled all the rapes. It
also enabled the acts of sodomy which tore my open.
The name I gave for this was/is “prostitute,” because that
was exactly what it was.
Today I take no blame for any of it.
Both behaviors, #1 and #2, involve me disappearing. In
fact, there is an even deeper effect: the real evil is that there is this
little girl inside that craved it.
It began with my dad. He was drunk. I knew he was acting
different compared with his usual personality. He was seeking me out. Of all four children, I was the only one he
wanted.
The evil came with a price tag. The manipulative price was:
I received his attention. More than anything (at age 7) I wanted attention,
affection and love.
So sex and giving a man whatever he wanted (regardless of
what I wanted) became synonymous with love.
Still, to this day, I feel that pull.